Am I back ?

I haven’t written anything in a long time now, and I’m not sure what’s making me do it now. When I say long time , I mean it. It is probably two years or so the last the time I penned down or typed out ‘stuff’ . Well, you see I do not know whether or not I just stopped writing or did I in reality not feel anything at all. There is also another thought , maybe I felt too much, and didn’t know the words for what I was going through.

It’s almost midnight now, I’m lying down on my bed, trying to sleep, surprisingly ( well not so much ) I feel my neurons firing at top speed. Passing all sorts of information, my anxiety, my fears, my dreams, my insecurities, my overthinking etc etc etc . At the same time I find myself thinking, where did I lose my mindfulness. When exactly did the fear that if I pause and breathe and just exist for a while , I’d be drowning in the sea of failures get imprinted in my head.

I look around me and I see lots of people in the same rat race as me. Yes, I’m a part of it, and it’s sad. I want to crawl my way out of it. I want to advocate that it’s okay to take things slow, it’s okay to do things in our own time, not all of us are programmed the same way, it’s okay to have few bumps.

Everyday I have this constant urge to finish everything off , and then rest. My brain cells go “ alright let’s finish a week’s worth of work in a day and take break the next 6 days yohooo”. Why ? Well that’s how the urban culture is these days . Work your arse off on weekdays and party like no tomorrow on weekends. But for a consistent and easily demotivated being like me, It does not help. At all.

And I keep getting reminded by my amazing sister , to think myself as a baby, start taking a step towards my goal a little everyday, not bother about others, just focus on my steps. Take steps everyday, be consistent, don’t try to master things in a day. Mostly, look at a bigger picture, a year or two spent on growing won’t matter in life. As long as you end up where you are happy and content.

May be this post feels like a lot of scattered feeling , but I do know there are many out there , like me, wanting to take things slow but too afraid to drop out of the race around. Many out there who think maybe if I put effort the next two days I can’t relax t he next three. But honestly that’s not how it works. All the five days need a balance. And it’s okay to be slow. You aren’t competing with anyone. You’re just getting yourself better. You’re growing. And that’s what’s important. YOUR GROWTH.